Some lessons are learned through time, tears, prayers and the hard way. Peace is a lesson we all need to learn and re-learn. I have re-learned that peace is not something that comes automatically. It has to have a place in our hearts to come to.
I have struggled for a long time searching for this elusive feeling. I thought that if I did what I was supposed to, going through the motions, it would come. I thought that if I could just ‘get through’ the day I would feel it. I thought if I ‘figured out’ how Heavenly Father was going to take care of us, peace would be the natural result. My thoughts were a little on the wrong side.
Yesterday I broke. It is not something that I like to admit, because I always want to feel that strength that flows from faith. However, my heart was done and I could go no further. Breaking is scary, lonely and dark. I turned to my Father and pled for the strength I needed. Tears fell like rain and my soul hungered for His touch. Once again, I yearned for peace. It didn’t come. I was sad and frustrated. I couldn’t understand why it didn’t come.
I could feel pulling in my heart the desire to let Him in and at the same time I could feel my heart trying to harden and not allow anything in. That tug of war was educational. I had to make a choice. I had to work for what I wanted…either direction. The direction of not allowing anything in seemed like the easiest one to follow, however I knew it would take me away from the only source of strength I had. Softening my heart and letting Him in was going to take work, repentance, desire and faith. Yet, I knew this path would lead me back to the place where I could find peace.
It was interesting to know that it was something I had to do, a choice I had to make. I had become so entrenched with fighting to ‘just make it’ that I had forgotten I had the power to make that choice. It is interesting when we are in the trenches fighting for survival, the very things we need to thrive become muted from our vision. It is interesting how that adversary works…he blinds us from the very things we need.
I am thankful forever for the wonderful example I have in my husband. He has pushed through and stayed as close as he could to our Savior. He had read two talks by the Apostles Henry B. Eyring and Neil Andersen in which they talked about our trials. In these talks they speak of the trials of our faith being just that…trials. They are built to test us, and bring us to our knees. It is never easy to pass through them and there are times when we feel like there is a covering between us and Heaven. We will all be faced with moments in our lives that will test our very faith, when we will be backed up against the wall and faith is the only thing we have to save us.
I have felt like I have been doing everything wrong and in some cases I have. Repentance is key to finding peace. As we repent, our hearts open and allow a place for peace. Turning our lives over, as scary as it may seem, opens our souls to peace. Bringing our lives, wills and hearts into alignment with His desires and timings will bring us lasting peace. The Savior said, “Peace I leave with you, my I peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” (John 14:7)
His is the only peace that will last and strengthen us in these times. Ours is the choice to give it a place to reside within us.