This morning was completely amazing! After an amazing workout with a wonderful friend, we sat and visited for a few moments. During our conversation there were moments when I would feel I should say something and then there were things I felt I should not. On my way home, I pondered our conversation and I realized something beautiful….He is there.
I think this past week has been one of gentle reminders for me. There are things that I have always known, however for whatever reason they get lost in my heart from time to time. All it takes is a small treasure to remind me of the truth and I am back on track.
This summer has been a journey through some of the darkest places I have personally and spiritually been. I have seen my deepest fears of purposelessness and helplessness realized time and time again. Only someone who knew me deep in my spirit and knew that these fears needed to be overcome would have known to bring them out.
There have been moments when I have felt completely abandoned by my Heavenly Father. I would call out and I felt that emptiness that I interpreted at times as my door to heaven being shut. I struggled with feeling worthy of His blessings. I found myself trying to solve my problems by myself. There is a place in our hearts we go when we are feeling like we are alone. It is the only safe place we feel, however it is empty. I didn’t stop crying out to Him, because deep down inside I knew He heard me.
I know there is a purpose, however that is not something that I could find comfort in at times. I am in awe of His strength. I know, as a parent, if my children came to me with broken hearts and spirits I would have the most difficult time holding back. I would have to understand that their trial was going to create within them something far greater than the pain they were experiencing. And that is what He has done and will continue to do.
Driving home I realized that I have had Him with me this entire time. The prayers I have uttered out loud and in my heart have all been heard. His hand has been there quietly guiding me, catching me in my fall and standing me up when I have fallen. It took a quiet conversation with a good friend to see this. I think I have been too busy looking for the answers I thought He should give me rather than seeing the answers He knew I needed to grow.
I am so thankful for a Heavenly Father who is all-knowing, all-loving, all-forgiving, patient and who knows me from the deepest parts of my heart. I am deeply grateful and humbled that my Savior, Jesus Christ, came so that I could repent when I fall and come back to Them. For a brief moment I saw into His heart and I felt the love He has for me. I have not been alone. I have not been abandoned. I have been growing.
I love the song ‘You’re Not Alone‘ by Meredith Andrews…it is a beautiful conversation from Heaven. It touched my soul today.