I will be honest, I haven’t been gracefully strengthened through it all. There have been good days…and bad days. Days that I have felt the peace that can only come from Heavenly Father and days that I could not breathe because of the anxiety in my soul. I have learned that peace and anxiety cannot coexist. Peace is only given when we let go of fear, anxiety and disbelief.
In my desire to understand and become who He wants me to be I have asked so many questions. I have wondered at times if I had made a mistake somewhere and the blessings we desire have been withheld. I have wondered if I am not learning what He is so patiently teaching me. I have thought that maybe I didn’t listen or misunderstood when a feeling presented itself to my heart.
Many days it has been quite difficult to kneel in prayer, because my heart felt so abandoned. I felt like there was a pavilion covering me, therefore my access to Him was difficult. It can be a little painful when all your heart desires is that overwhelming peace that only He can give and what you feel is quite opposite.
As hard as it has been, I haven’t quit turning to Him. Quite honestly He is the last person I talk to in my heart and mind and the first one I speak to as my mind begins to take hold of a new day. It terrifies me to think of how desperate and empty I would be if I turned away from Him. I have always known He is there.
Letting go of fear has been a challenge for me. It felt like if I let go of fear then I would let go of any semblance of control I had. Truth be told, I have not one ounce of control over any aspect of my life. I have control over my choices and that is it. Recognizing this took a lot of tears, counsel and humbling. Realizing that fear has done nothing to help me through my journey was a difficult, yet liberating moment.
As I let go, my mind was able to open up and see things a little differently. This situation, this journey has been something that was meant to be. It is not a result of poor choices I had made, not listening to the spirit whisper to me or a punishment. It is something that has been there for us to grow, to become.
Realizing this, I learned that He knows I can do this (even if I don’t). He knows that even when I don’t feel like I can go any more, carry the load one more step or even face the day…I have a strength far greater than I ever even realized. He knows who I truly am meant to become and this is the path that I need to travel.
I have found so much peace and strength in this…. He knows I can.