It is all about the journey….

Archive for July, 2014

Who He Needs

MoldingIt is interesting how life teaches us. When we put our lives in Heavenly Father’s hands, we are opening ourselves up to a teacher that gives us more than we can handle.

Some years ago, my husband and I decided we needed to do just that….allow Him to guide our lives so that He can do with us what He needs. Thinking back over the time that has passed since that decision, He has been molding us with many great and challenging experiences.

Molding is not a gentle craft….there is the stripping away of unnecessary behaviors and thoughts, there is carving of new places to hold greater emotions, there is kneading to soften the hard places within us, and let us not forget that there is constant pressure applied so that we are shaped to become who He needs us to be.

Experiencing each one of these processes has not been comfortable. There have been many moments that I have wanted to buckle under the constant pressure placed on our backs. Many days I have been driven to my knees begging for deliverance, because I didn’t think we could handle any more.

In His wisdom, He sent the power of the Atonement to bear us up. This power came in ways that I didn’t understand (mostly because I was looking for something else). I was given brief moments of clarity, days that the burden was taken completely, people who truly love me and hope when I could not see any.

Mostly I was given more to carry.

There have been decisions placed before us this past week that have required us to look deeper into this choice we have made. Looking back a few weeks ago, I would not have had an open heart to consider what He may ask us to do. Yet, through quiet whisperings, feelings and times of pondering, my heart has opened.

Underneath this load, He has taught me who is in charge.

Thankfully it is Him. Thankfully He sees me for who I truly am. Thankfully He is patient with me. Thankfully He did not answer my pleading for deliverance. Thankfully He trusts me to listen and make the decisions that are necessary.

I would not be who He needs me to be without the constant molding and the Atonement of Jesus Christ to strengthen me.

Twists and Turns

twists and turnsLife is an amazing journey full of unexpected twists and turns.

There seems to be times when the road of life is relatively straight and we see what is coming from quite a distance. It is easy to prepare ourselves for any bumps that appear on the horizon.

Then there are the moments when we are travelling through a perilous canyon with hair-pin turns, steep grades that rise and fall within moments of each other and let’s not forget the potholes that engulf our hearts and jar our souls.

Yet, I think we learn the most when we are travelling on the edge of peril day in and day out.

I have learned more than I thought I could in this little canyon of life we are travelling in…

There is nothing quite like the power of accepting the will of our Heavenly Father, especially when it is something that we never thought we would do. I have experienced many of these moments over the past few weeks.

For the longest time I have believed that when I surrender myself to His will and accept what He knows is best for me I would feel this overwhelming sense of peace, strength or courage. I have found that this is not the case for me. It is as though my heart felt the calm, however the mind and body had to deal with the surrounding storm that accompanies these decisions.

For a while I felt that I was doing this whole thing wrong and that I should be as calm as a summer morning in spite of the raging storm following us. I felt that I should know all of the answers or at least have a glimmer of understanding. Because I haven’t had either, again, I thought I was doing this whole thing wrong. When there is a lot of uncertainty, the negative voices seem to talk louder and entice me to feel this way.

Searching through the scriptures, I found that many times those called upon to accept the will of the Lord, when they didn’t know how to move forward, were just as confused and lost as I have felt. There is a lot of comfort knowing that those who have gone before have struggled through their own canyons of growth too.

Truth be told, I have felt lost and found at the same time going through these twists and turns. I have felt the reassurance that all would be worked out for our good while at the same time wondering how it will happen. I have felt the calm in my heart while doing things that have scared me at a visceral level. I have felt a strength that enables me to put one foot in front of the other when I don’t have anything left to give.

It is the little things that have gotten me through….the little daily, seemingly insignificant actions that have helped me navigate these twists and turns. In my heart I feel like there are many more to come before the blessed relief of the rolling hills. So for now I will pray, study, act and face this head-on….

 

I Am Still Here

daisyFor the longest time I have felt I should write about an experience in my life that was completely terrifying. I have just barely begun to understand this event and the impact it has had on me. I share it because I need to…hopefully for someone who needs it.

The summer before 1st Grade was pretty hot, but being an active 5 year old, I didn’t allow the heat to slow me down much. I truly enjoyed playing outside with my friends. The street I grew up on felt like such a big world, big enough for my imagination. The street itself is a main thoroughfare and even then it was very busy. I grew up with the most strictest of rules to never go into the street. I was smart enough then to listen to my parents.

On one particular day my friend and I were invited to play with someone who lived all the way across the street. It felt like a mile. With my mom’s permission, we set off to cross this gulf that divided us from summer fun. My friend made it safely across….

After 3+ decades, the memories started to surface. I remember starting across the street. I looked up to see my friend and there was sheer terror in her eyes. Looking to my left, I saw the car. I froze. There was nothing I could do, but think, “I am going to cause my mom so much pain today.”

The car impacted me and threw me up at least 6 feet into the sky. I landed on the ground and promptly lost consciousness for a time. The next thing I remember was waking up in the ICU with tubes in my hand, a huge brace on my leg and bandages everywhere. I can’t even imagine what my parents went through….

As terrifying as it has been to relive these moments of my life, I have been blessed with the great gift of seeing things in a different light.

The miracles that surrounded that moment in my life are far more powerful than the tragedy.

As the paramedics came onto the scene and heard what had happened, they told my parents that there is no way I should have been thrown into the air. They said that almost always any type of accident involving a child my size and a moving car resulted in the child being drug under the vehicle and the child not living through it.

As blessings would have it, the accident happened right in front of a house where a young man lived who had just received training to become a paramedic. He heard the tires screech, grabbed his bag and ran out the front door. He took charge of the situation and quickly set my broken leg. Had he not been there at that time, my leg would have been permanently disfigured. He also bandaged up those parts of me that were bleeding profusely.

The most incredible miracle came when I felt safe enough to understand this time. I have always had this propensity to freeze at times in my life when I was truly terrified. I just didn’t know what else to do after this moment. I was blessed to understand that this happened for a reason. I shaped me, strengthened me and taught me that I can overcome. It taught me that I am still here for a reason, something that is far bigger than what I can understand sometimes.

This is a knowledge I have to hold onto when I am faced with moments such as those I have had as of late. I think we all have moments in our lives when we don’t feel like we have a purpose, when our trials are greater than what we can handle and when we feel like we don’t have the strength to even kneel in prayer.

I am still here, because He needs me to be.

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