It is all about the journey….

Archive for August, 2014

For You

For YouThe August rains have come. I love the respite they bring from the overpowering heat of the summer. The sound of the leaves dancing in the wind along with the song of the rain bring peace to my soul.

For the past few weeks I have been swimming in a cloud of darkness. Most mornings when I wake up it doesn’t take any time for it to wrap itself around my heart and mind. These days are quite frankly a little difficult to get through, yet somehow I do.

I came to learn last night that this darkness is an overwhelming amount of oppression, coming from the source that does not want us to succeed in any endeavor we undertake. Somehow, he paints the picture that the darkness is our doing, our fault and we are weak because we are experiencing it. I had begun to wonder if these lies were truths and what had I done to create such a nasty place in myself.

Questions of why were abounding in my mind…why does He take us to and well beyond our breaking point? why does He want us to feel like we are alone? why does He show me things that are so big and seemingly distant without showing me how? why does He not answer the many prayers that I have uttered? why am I so weak that I cannot endure this well? why does it seem that there are more questions than answers? why does it feel like the load I am carrying continues to get heavier as I get weaker?

As I shared all of this with my husband he simply smiled, kissed me and said, “I think you are amazing.” He said, “The one thing you haven’t done is give up, even though you are close. You continue to search for Him and seek His voice.” Feeling anything but amazing I let the tears flow. I just needed something….anything from Him.

Last night also happened to be the night of no sleep. My sweet daughter came down with a little summer bug which was not restful for either one of us. I didn’t feel I had much to give, so cried with her and for her. She said, “Mom, when we don’t feel like we have anything else we should just pray.” Her faith was inspired and healing. I allowed my heart to draw on the little faith it had left for her.

This morning she reached a point that she needed to sleep, so I curled up on the floor next to the couch where she was resting. During those moments before and after deep sleep I had a sweet feeling come through my mind and heart. “It is all for you. I do all of this for you. Hold on.”

Sometimes He needs to take us to a breaking point and past so that He can teach us and show us how He works. I see things differently after all of this than I did before. I have so far to go, but knowing it is all for us, because He loves us gives me strength to go on.

His Peace

DSCN2306The quiet of the morning is my favorite time of day. I love to sit on my front porch to read scriptures and drink in the newness of the day. I have found that this is when I find many answers to the questions that lie within my heart.

It never ceases to amaze me how the answers to unspoken questions come. I am often taken back by the stillness of the voice that speaks in my heart and mind. It has a way of answering these questions with truth and ideas that I know I could never have found on my own.

I have come to love these moments on the porch deeply. Our lives have been wrapped in overwhelming questions as of late. It has seemed that with each moment of clarity more questions have come up. It becomes quite overwhelming at times. Yet, the moments on the porch have given me the most clarity.

Today I woke up with a darkness that had settled in my heart and mind. It is not something I am unfamiliar with, yet today it was quite powerful. The darkness brought with it feelings of despair and hopelessness. I felt lost with nothing to offer. It was all I could do to utter a small prayer of gratitude for a new day (I am sure my heart was not fully in that one, but I did the best I could) and stumble out of the bedroom.

I am thankful for the power of ritual, because it gave me the strength to pick up my scriptures and head outside. The coolness of the morning cleared my heart a little and I found a little bit greater capacity to talk to my Heavenly Father. Again, it wasn’t an amazing prayer, but it was all I had.

I honestly don’t remember much of what I read, but I know it was what I needed to do to reconnect with Him.

As I finished and came inside, there was renewed desire to pray. The darkness continued to envelope my heart, but I felt like I had what I needed to share what was in there with Him. It is scary at times to really share with Him when my heart feels like it is wrapped in stone. I opened as much of it as I had strength for and spoke what I could and felt what I couldn’t.

Deep down I knew that the answer I desired was not going to be the answer I was going to receive. It is just the way it is right now. Yet, as I finished speaking to Him I felt something. Peace. It was manna to my soul. My mind was reminded of something Jesus Christ said to His disciples:

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.        John 14:27

DSCN2307Honestly, I do not know what the future holds for our little family, yet He gives His peace. It is truly the calm within the storm, the rock that strengthens our hearts to take one more step and the hope that there are greater things coming.

Today, His peace will keep the darkness from overtaking my heart.

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