This past week has brought with it some incredible learning experiences. I wish I could say that they were all warm and fuzzy, but I can’t. I realize that often times learning comes with a certain level of discomfort.
Monday morning I woke up with the heaviness of life as we know it right now sitting on my heart and soul. As soon as I uttered a word of prayer, the darkness was there, surrounding me. I could not shake it, no matter how hard I tried. For two days it plagued me and it seemed like the harder I fought, the stronger it became.
I haven’t had many moments where I considered giving up (whatever that would look like), but there was one or two this week. I simply did not know what to do to solve the situation, rise above the darkness or where to look for the light I needed to heal my soul.
A couple of weeks ago, I thought I had figured everything out. I had some pretty specific feelings and had started to act upon them. I began to dream again…something that I have not allowed myself to do for a very long time. It felt like the barriers that have been placed in our lives were beginning to fall away…it felt so good.
Yet, Monday my hope began to fade. As a result I began to doubt all of the feelings I have been receiving from my Heavenly Father. It was a dark place to wander.
As I began to pray, my heart was so scared to ask about the feelings that I had. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to receive the answer I didn’t want to hear. It took a little bit to summon the courage.
I asked if I needed to let go of the things that I had felt…the solution and new path.
My answer was not what I expected, either way.
In that brief moment I felt a peace come over my heart and soul…something that I had not felt in quite some time. The peace spoke to my heart as if to say, “I’ve got this.”
The moment was just that…a moment of peace. It came and went so quickly, but it was real.
It took me a few days to realize what truly happened and has been happening in my life. He has been doing His best to show me, tell me and allow me to see that He has this right now. There is nothing I can do to ‘solve’ this. We are completely in His hands.
It has taken a lot of prayer and pondering to allow myself to let go and trust Him. I am one that likes to solve the problem and move on. Yet, there are some things that take time and experiences to solve and learn from.
I have reflected on many things that have been happening and seeing the peace that I have felt each time I have cried out to Him.
“I’ve got this.”
I am so thankful for every ‘no’ I have received. There have been times when I thought that would be the only answer I ever receive to my prayers. There have been other times that I have thought that it wasn’t even an answer at all. Yet, each one is another evidence that He has a plan for us and that plan is something far greater than what I can see right now.
I just have to let go, breathe and do my best to find Him each day.