It is all about the journey….

Archive for June, 2015

Lifting Me

Tonight I was given one of the sweetest gifts…it came from one of the best I have ever known. What could be thought of as ‘no big deal’ was a miracle in my heart.

Let me back up….

This week has been one of the heaviest I have carried since our whirlwind move a few months ago. Returning to school has been a leap of faith for all of us, because of the sacrifices it requires. I truly felt like I was just a being living in our home…not a mom, wife, daughter, friend, or anything really…just a being tied to a computer and a notebook. I seriously lived minute to minute, assignment to assignment, test to test.

Through it all our son had a major basketball tournament, we were able to help out my brother by taking his daughter (win-win situation for our daughter) and all of the daily things that life entails.

Today was the last test I needed to take for the week…I wanted so badly to do really well, however it seemed like everything was running together and smashing up in my brain. There was nothing left for me to do but take the test. I held my breath as the score was being generated, and when I saw it my heart fell. My score was not a reflection of the knowledge I have worked so hard to acquire….

As I walked out of the testing center my heart turned to prayer and my eyes filled with tears. It seemed as though the delicate balance I had worked so hard to maintain all week was toppled and everything crashed down. It was a long ride home….

MyLoveWalking into our front room my sweet husband took one look at me and knew…knew that life had crashed. He is such a gift to me…a balm to my heart when it is broken. Truly in a situation like this, there are rarely the right words to speak, yet he found them.

He has the innate ability to calm my heart, lift my eyes and bring peace to my soul when there seems no peace to be found.

With still more to do, I felt the tug of my babies needing a mom. I listened as they told me how much they have missed me and how hard it is sometimes now that I am in school. I cried with my daughter as she asked if we could have some ‘just us’ time. I listened to my son as he expressed his fatigue and need for help in overcoming the ‘silly thoughts’ that plague him when he is tired. It was difficulty magic…if you can say that.

I wanted so badly to help my husband with one of the last things to get done for the day, yet he asked me to finish my last thing…prepare a lesson for tomorrow. I felt so empty. How could I even begin to find what I needed to share with these girls I have been called to serve? How could I even share with them, when I had nothing left?

As I prayed for help and relief, my eyes were directed to the kitchen….there stood my husband, quietly doing the dishes….so I wouldn’t have to. It touched my heart so deeply that he would do this for me, that he would lift my burden. He is a gift to my heart, my life and my soul. He is my rock. I am so grateful to be his.

Creeping In

Creeping InTonight I sit on our deck. The sky is clear and there is a beautiful, cool breeze gently blowing. I am in awe of the majesty of the sky above, the stars that give off enough light to show they are there. Collectively they paint a picture of the vastness above, yet their tiny lights show me that even I am known.

Life has felt a little heavy lately and I can’t put my finger on the reason why. I struggle at times during the day to find the strength to make it through all that is needed…and more. There are moments I feel so unqualified to be the mother that my amazing children need….to give them the strength and courage to rise above the world that surrounds them. There are moments I feel like I am not the wife I need to be to the incredibly smart, talented and strong man I am blessed to be married to. There are moments when I feel like I should be more….

I understand that there is one who would have me feel less than, because that is how he would have me feel. He would have me believe that I am not good enough to do all that is required of me. These lies are never told all at once, they are insidious…quiet…and creep in a little at a time.

My heart breaks when his lies are whispered in the ears of those I love. I feel powerless, because I know that they can be so easy to believe. I often look at them in disbelief, because I know if they saw what I see and work so hard to show them, they would never give a second thought to those thoughts of less than.

So with that thought, I am to look at myself the way that my Heavenly Father and Savior see me. It takes a lot of work…daily…hourly…minutely…yet it is the only way to push back against those lies. I have to remember that He has confidence in my strengths, abilities and heart. He has confidence in me that I will turn to Them when things feel like they are too much. He has confidence that I will stand up when I don’t have anything left.

Whatever He inspires, He opens the way to overcome, accomplish and achieve.

I have seen the moments of strength He has given me to be the wife and mother I need to be. Sometimes they are like the stars…a tiny bit of light that shows me I am known to Him.

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