It is all about the journey….

Posts tagged ‘answers’

Beyond My Reach

There are times in my life as a wife and mother… I do not have the answers. These times leave such an emptiness in my heart, because it is my nature to heal.

lookupOver the past week I have been asked some pretty difficult questions by each member of my sweet family. These questions have come after a lot of prodding, quietness, more prodding and more quietness. I get it, I am not so good at sharing my deepest thoughts either.

I think it is the pleading in their eyes that sinks into my soul. The pleading that says, “I can’t do this anymore…I don’t know the answers….I need you to answer.”

The emptiness that comes over my heart is so quiet and heavy when their questions are beyond my reach. My heart wants so badly to have the answers, say the magic words that are so often scripted for others, or have the ability to simply heal their hearts with my arms wrapped around them.

Yet, it is not meant to be…..

Today was particularly difficult, because one of my children was hurting at a deep level. It is something that has been lying under the surface for a couple of years, and today the wound opened just enough to expose the rawness of pain. I sat and prodded, waited and listened as the hurt came out. It was not anything silly or dumb…it was real. I simply did not know what to say…words seemed completely useless.

I began to pray in my heart….”Please give me the words. Please let me know what to say to help. Please.”

None came….again this was beyond my reach.

I did the only thing I could think of….I knelt in prayer with my child. I prayed for the words to speak so that this one would know that there is someone watching over them. As I spoke the words of my prayer, they really didn’t seem to flow as easily as I would have hoped, but they were not really mine. I felt the love of a Heavenly Father who knows that this child is deeply hurting. I felt the knowledge that He is watching over and has a greater plan than what we can see today. I felt like it would all be okay….even if not how I thought it could work out.

In that sweet moment, I learned (again) that when their hurts and questions are beyond my reach, I know where to look for help.

Thanks be to my Savior for giving me the gift of prayer, so I can communicate with my Father.

 

I’ve Got This

I've Got ThisThis past week has brought with it some incredible learning experiences. I wish I could say that they were all warm and fuzzy, but I can’t. I realize that often times learning comes with a certain level of discomfort.

Monday morning I woke up with the heaviness of life as we know it right now sitting on my heart and soul. As soon as I uttered a word of prayer, the darkness was there, surrounding me. I could not shake it, no matter how hard I tried. For two days it plagued me and it seemed like the harder I fought, the stronger it became.

I haven’t had many moments where I considered giving up (whatever that would look like), but there was one or two this week. I simply did not know what to do to solve the situation, rise above the darkness or where to look for the light I needed to heal my soul.

A couple of weeks ago, I thought I had figured everything out. I had some pretty specific feelings and had started to act upon them. I began to dream again…something that I have not allowed myself to do for a very long time. It felt like the barriers that have been placed in our lives were beginning to fall away…it felt so good.

Yet, Monday my hope began to fade. As a result I began to doubt all of the feelings I have been receiving from my Heavenly Father. It was a dark place to wander.

As I began to pray, my heart was so scared to ask about the feelings that I had. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to receive the answer I didn’t want to hear. It took a little bit to summon the courage.

I asked if I needed to let go of the things that I had felt…the solution and new path.

My answer was not what I expected, either way.

In that brief moment I felt a peace come over my heart and soul…something that I had not felt in quite some time. The peace spoke to my heart as if to say, “I’ve got this.”

The moment was just that…a moment of peace. It came and went so quickly, but it was real.

Letting GoIt took me a few days to realize what truly happened and has been happening in my life. He has been doing His best to show me, tell me and allow me to see that He has this right now. There is nothing I can do to ‘solve’ this. We are completely in His hands.

It has taken a lot of prayer and pondering to allow myself to let go and trust Him. I am one that likes to solve the problem and move on. Yet, there are some things that take time and experiences to solve and learn from.

I have reflected on many things that have been happening and seeing the peace that I have felt each time I have cried out to Him.

“I’ve got this.”

I am so thankful for every ‘no’ I have received. There have been times when I thought that would be the only answer I ever receive to my prayers. There have been other times that I have thought that it wasn’t even an answer at all. Yet, each one is another evidence that He has a plan for us and that plan is something far greater than what I can see right now.

I just have to let go, breathe and do my best to find Him each day.

He Knows I Can

IMG_6495To say that we have been on a strengthening journey would be an understatement. The thing with strengthening journeys is to be strong, we must feel weak at times…a lot of times.

I will be honest, I haven’t been gracefully strengthened through it all. There have been good days…and bad days. Days that I have felt the peace that can only come from Heavenly Father and days that I could not breathe because of the anxiety in my soul. I have learned that peace and anxiety cannot coexist. Peace is only given when we let go of fear, anxiety and disbelief.

In my desire to understand and become who He wants me to be I have asked so many questions. I have wondered at times if I had made a mistake somewhere and the blessings we desire have been withheld. I have wondered if I am not learning what He is so patiently teaching me. I have thought that maybe I didn’t listen or misunderstood when a feeling presented itself to my heart.

Many days it has been quite difficult to kneel in prayer, because my heart felt so abandoned. I felt like there was a pavilion covering me, therefore my access to Him was difficult. It can be a little painful when all your heart desires is that overwhelming peace that only He can give and what you feel is quite opposite.

As hard as it has been, I haven’t quit turning to Him. Quite honestly He is the last person I talk to in my heart and mind and the first one I speak to as my mind begins to take hold of a new day. It terrifies me to think of how desperate and empty I would be if I turned away from Him. I have always known He is there.

Letting go of fear has been a challenge for me. It felt like if I let go of fear then I would let go of any semblance of control I had. Truth be told, I have not one ounce of control over any aspect of my life. I have control over my choices and that is it. Recognizing this took a lot of tears, counsel and humbling. Realizing that fear has done nothing to help me through my journey was a difficult, yet liberating moment.

As I let go, my mind was able to open up and see things a little differently. This situation, this journey has been something that was meant to be. It is not a result of poor choices I had made, not listening to the spirit whisper to me or a punishment. It is something that has been there for us to grow, to become.

Realizing this, I learned that He knows I can do this (even if I don’t). He knows that even when I don’t feel like I can go any more, carry the load one more step or even face the day…I have a strength far greater than I ever even realized. He knows who I truly am meant to become and this is the path that I need to travel.

I have found so much peace and strength in this…. He knows I can.

Wind and Rain

Wind and RainJust over a year ago I remember sitting down with our Bishop, seeking guidance. Our hearts were confused and we needed someone to help us understand.

We had felt for the longest time that our family was needed elsewhere, and we could feel that the time was drawing closer. The unknown was creating within our hearts was at times more than we could bear. It felt as though there were more questions than answers, yet answers were what we needed.

He reminded us of a story in the Book of Mormon that has always been a personal favorite of mine and related it to our lives.

In this particular story, the Brother of Jared and his entire family were brought to the edge of the known world. All that they saw before them was a vast ocean. What they had been promised was a land greater than where they were, a land where they could become a great nation. Yet, here they are….looking at nothing but rolling waves and the vastness of the unknown.

The Brother of Jared went to the mountain to pray and there he was instructed to build special boats to carry them forth. He was given the knowledge of how to construct these little ships and what to take with him. After construction he noticed two significant problems. These boats were ‘tight like a dish’ making it near impossible to breathe and there was not a source of light.

He pondered these problems and, again, went to the mountain to pray. The Lord gave him one answer…how to breathe. The second answer, He allowed the Brother of Jared to find. He brought sixteen clear stones to the Lord, so that He could touch them to provide the needed light. After this miracle (and many others) occurred, the Lord told the Brother of Jared that even though they had their boats, air to breathe and light, the journey to the Promised Land would be filled with winds, rains and floods. These would push their boats towards their goal. As they were driven forth, they never stopped praying and singing His praises.

Looking back I have been blessed to see how our journey to our new home is so similar to this story. After that meeting, the Lord gave us the solution to the many questions revolving around our departure… How would we leave? Where do we go? How will we be able to do this? Miracle after miracle showed us His hand.

Our “Promised Land” is truly incredible. Yet, there remains one question to be answered. It is a question of how. This past year has been filled with wind and rain (figuratively) in our lives. Each day we find ourselves pushing through, overcoming fear, falling down, repenting, standing back up and hoping. We have seen the sun break through the clouds, however we long for the days when it shines constantly upon us.

There have been moments I have wondered why He hasn’t just taken the storm, because I know it is within His power. I have also had moments when I have felt the enabling power of the Atonement strengthening us to learn. In a General Conference address, Elder Terrence M. Vinson answered my wonderings beautifully:

“But here is the point–rather than solve the problem Himself, the Lord wants us to develop the faith that will help us rely upon Him in solving our problems and trust Him. Then we can feel his love more constantly, more powerfully, more clearly, and more personally. We become united with Him, and we can become like Him. For us to become like Him is His goal. In fact it is His glory as well as His work (see Moses 1:39)

DSCN1969 300x225 Wind and RainI have seen that He is allowing us to work through the wind and rain so that we can do just this….become like Him. I have also seen that He has not left us alone in this endeavor. We have uttered many prayers, offered many stones for His finger to ‘light’ and been given so much more help than we could ever ask for. He has been with us, sheltering us when the storm was raging a bit too fiercely for  us. He has been there beckoning us onward, offering ideas and guidance.

The question of how remains, yet the surety that journey is coming to an end is there. The answer will come and with it the sun.

reblogged from Own Who You Are

The Right Prayer

This journey through mortality is an amazing one at best. It is tailor made for each one of us so that we can become who we are meant to be. file000439029567

I have learned and re-learned how my trials are just what I need to bring me closer to Him. They are mine and some days they are all I can handle. I am sure from the outside looking in, my trials may be a walk in the park for others, maybe it is because they have already conquered the mountain I am currently climbing.

At this particular growing season in my life, I have learned so much about my heart, my desires and my strength. I am experiencing something that I never have before…and I have yet to give this a name, because it is so new to me. I know that there have been many blessings promised to us, that deliverance is nigh at hand and that we are doing what we are supposed to be doing. Yet, during the quiet times of day when it seems as though nothing is moving forward my heart seems to melt in uncertainty. (more…)

Running Free

Yesterday file1391339639463I wanted to change up my workout routine. For the first time in years I was able to go for a good run without feeling fear. The city we recently moved from is known for the not so safe environment. Now that we are in an area where safety is a reality, I wanted to take advantage of it and just run. (more…)

Answers Come

file000641377093I love the quiet of the morning. It is the time when my mind and heart are reflecting upon the opportunities that lie before me that day. I have noticed that everything is still relaxed within my body and soul. I usually have some of the best conversations with Heavenly Father during this time of day.

I am going to be honest, lately I have felt that my relationship with Him has not been the closest. It is as if the conduit to Him within my heart has been closed. This has been a struggle for me. I crave my interactions with Him. So, like many others before me I began to think that there was something that I had done to close this door to heaven. I did a self check and began to notice every little thing that I thought would be cause of this. My Spirit was sad and missed Him so much. (more…)

Tag Cloud