It is all about the journey….

Posts tagged ‘Darkness’

Not Yet

Not YetI have to hope that there are more people out there like me…. I have to hope that there are those who are in the process of a particularly keen growth spurt that hope and pray for it to end at some point…preferably sooner than later. If not, then once again I am unique in my heart and mind.

There are mornings when I wake up and can feel the heaviness of the day already in my heart. Other mornings are filled with a sense of hope and purpose (these have been a little less common). I have fought through every day, making it to the end with a prayer in my heart.

Every day I wake up, I say a prayer. I try not to bore Heavenly Father with repetition, but sometimes my needs feel like they are the same as they were the day before. I have been working on asking for help to find others to reach out to and for ways to serve, hoping that this will help ease the heaviness that lives there. Some days I find the answers to these prayers outside of my home, and other days the opportunities are right in my home.

As the dawn has begun to manifest itself within our lives, I hate to admit that I have become quite impatient for the rest of the light to spread. I ache for the warmth of the sun light to touch my heart and to lift the weight that is there. As hard as I pray for it to come quickly, the light creeps ever so slowly towards me.

“Not yet.”

This is what has been in my heart today. There is more to learn and to understand before I will be ready for the light in my life. As much as I want it to be day, there is still darkness to pass through. I have had to still my heart and allow my soul to find the rest that Jesus Christ has promised us. This has been the most difficult thing for me to do, now that I have seen a glimmer of hope.

“Not yet.”

Heavenly Father knows when we are ready to move on from where we are. He will bring the light to me when it is time. He will show me how to live in the light once again. He will give me the strength to endure, if I believe in Him. He will bring to pass all of the promises He has made to me and my family. He will allow us to grow until that time. He will take care of us as we move towards where He needs us to go.

“Not yet.”

Knowing this I prayed today for that peace that only Jesus can bring. This is the peace that will overcome the moments when the fingers of darkness try to wrap themselves around my heart causing me to doubt what I know. This peace will allow me to be still and trust in a Father who loves me more than I can know.

“Not yet.”

It is okay.

The Dawn

amazing-sunriseI have heard many times in my life that it is always the darkest before the dawn. When you are in that darkest place, that quote can either bring comfort or irritation. I have experienced both as we have traveled through a bit of darkness in our lives. Today it brought comfort to me.

I have been seeking understanding for the current journey we are on for quite some time. I have prayed for this understanding to lighten my load and bring light to a spirit that has felt dark and alone. The times when I have felt irritation with the darkness is when I have felt a hardening of my heart, the uncertainty of the future and the desire for the dawn to come earlier than it is supposed to.

Over the past few months there have been brief moments of understanding that have come into my heart. I know that they are not my thoughts, but whisperings of someone who knows far more than I do. They have come as tiny rays of light filling my heart and allowing me to see what was necessary to give me hope and direction.

With each dawn, the light comes almost imperceptively and gradually strengthens as it approaches. It is natural. It is quiet. It is life-giving. It is beautiful, especially after a particularly dark night.

Darkness brings with it a myriad of experiences. It is near impossible to negotiate in darkness without tripping, getting smacked at various locations, running into things and feeling hopeless. There is a special, exquisite feeling of loneliness that comes when we cannot see where we are going or feel what is ahead of us. It can feel as though we are screaming into a void, with nothing coming back.

Yet, the darkest of nights give us the opportunity to see the brightest dawns.

I love being in the mountains to watch the sun come up. I see the first evidences of light in the sky. As the sun begins to emerge over the top of the mountain, the horizon becomes clear. The shadows gradually creep back, retreating before the beauty of the light can overtake them. And then, the world has opened up.

Our dark night has begun to yield. We are seeing the faintest evidences of the coming dawn. Just as it is with the mountain, we have been able to see things on the horizon first. The shadows continue to do their best to keep hold, but they will retreat as the light grows stronger. I have prayed for this moment time and time again, knowing that the dawn will come at the time Heavenly Father knows it will be the best for us. I have tried over and over to speed this process up, however His timing is always perfect.

I am forever grateful for this night we have passed through. I have never reached out so deeply and strongly to my Savior. I have never relied so much on Heavenly Father’s love and mercy. I have never seen so many daily blessings that they give us, which we can take for granted. I have never felt so close to my incredible family.

To be grateful for the dawn, we must be grateful for the night.

For You

For YouThe August rains have come. I love the respite they bring from the overpowering heat of the summer. The sound of the leaves dancing in the wind along with the song of the rain bring peace to my soul.

For the past few weeks I have been swimming in a cloud of darkness. Most mornings when I wake up it doesn’t take any time for it to wrap itself around my heart and mind. These days are quite frankly a little difficult to get through, yet somehow I do.

I came to learn last night that this darkness is an overwhelming amount of oppression, coming from the source that does not want us to succeed in any endeavor we undertake. Somehow, he paints the picture that the darkness is our doing, our fault and we are weak because we are experiencing it. I had begun to wonder if these lies were truths and what had I done to create such a nasty place in myself.

Questions of why were abounding in my mind…why does He take us to and well beyond our breaking point? why does He want us to feel like we are alone? why does He show me things that are so big and seemingly distant without showing me how? why does He not answer the many prayers that I have uttered? why am I so weak that I cannot endure this well? why does it seem that there are more questions than answers? why does it feel like the load I am carrying continues to get heavier as I get weaker?

As I shared all of this with my husband he simply smiled, kissed me and said, “I think you are amazing.” He said, “The one thing you haven’t done is give up, even though you are close. You continue to search for Him and seek His voice.” Feeling anything but amazing I let the tears flow. I just needed something….anything from Him.

Last night also happened to be the night of no sleep. My sweet daughter came down with a little summer bug which was not restful for either one of us. I didn’t feel I had much to give, so cried with her and for her. She said, “Mom, when we don’t feel like we have anything else we should just pray.” Her faith was inspired and healing. I allowed my heart to draw on the little faith it had left for her.

This morning she reached a point that she needed to sleep, so I curled up on the floor next to the couch where she was resting. During those moments before and after deep sleep I had a sweet feeling come through my mind and heart. “It is all for you. I do all of this for you. Hold on.”

Sometimes He needs to take us to a breaking point and past so that He can teach us and show us how He works. I see things differently after all of this than I did before. I have so far to go, but knowing it is all for us, because He loves us gives me strength to go on.

His Peace

DSCN2306The quiet of the morning is my favorite time of day. I love to sit on my front porch to read scriptures and drink in the newness of the day. I have found that this is when I find many answers to the questions that lie within my heart.

It never ceases to amaze me how the answers to unspoken questions come. I am often taken back by the stillness of the voice that speaks in my heart and mind. It has a way of answering these questions with truth and ideas that I know I could never have found on my own.

I have come to love these moments on the porch deeply. Our lives have been wrapped in overwhelming questions as of late. It has seemed that with each moment of clarity more questions have come up. It becomes quite overwhelming at times. Yet, the moments on the porch have given me the most clarity.

Today I woke up with a darkness that had settled in my heart and mind. It is not something I am unfamiliar with, yet today it was quite powerful. The darkness brought with it feelings of despair and hopelessness. I felt lost with nothing to offer. It was all I could do to utter a small prayer of gratitude for a new day (I am sure my heart was not fully in that one, but I did the best I could) and stumble out of the bedroom.

I am thankful for the power of ritual, because it gave me the strength to pick up my scriptures and head outside. The coolness of the morning cleared my heart a little and I found a little bit greater capacity to talk to my Heavenly Father. Again, it wasn’t an amazing prayer, but it was all I had.

I honestly don’t remember much of what I read, but I know it was what I needed to do to reconnect with Him.

As I finished and came inside, there was renewed desire to pray. The darkness continued to envelope my heart, but I felt like I had what I needed to share what was in there with Him. It is scary at times to really share with Him when my heart feels like it is wrapped in stone. I opened as much of it as I had strength for and spoke what I could and felt what I couldn’t.

Deep down I knew that the answer I desired was not going to be the answer I was going to receive. It is just the way it is right now. Yet, as I finished speaking to Him I felt something. Peace. It was manna to my soul. My mind was reminded of something Jesus Christ said to His disciples:

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.        John 14:27

DSCN2307Honestly, I do not know what the future holds for our little family, yet He gives His peace. It is truly the calm within the storm, the rock that strengthens our hearts to take one more step and the hope that there are greater things coming.

Today, His peace will keep the darkness from overtaking my heart.

Into The Darkness

file0001735790414This last week was something incredible to say the least. Sometimes we are blessed to have things ‘fall’ into our lives that will forever change the way we live, think and become.

We have been on quite the journey for the past 2 years. The path has not always been lit, even if a little bit. We have hit our heads on low hanging branches, ran into rock walls, stepped on sharp stones, tripped over debris on the path and bruised our knees every time we hit the ground. (more…)

Answers Come

file000641377093I love the quiet of the morning. It is the time when my mind and heart are reflecting upon the opportunities that lie before me that day. I have noticed that everything is still relaxed within my body and soul. I usually have some of the best conversations with Heavenly Father during this time of day.

I am going to be honest, lately I have felt that my relationship with Him has not been the closest. It is as if the conduit to Him within my heart has been closed. This has been a struggle for me. I crave my interactions with Him. So, like many others before me I began to think that there was something that I had done to close this door to heaven. I did a self check and began to notice every little thing that I thought would be cause of this. My Spirit was sad and missed Him so much. (more…)

The Edge of Faith

file5331311639504For the past 10 months we have been living on the edge of faith. It is an exhilarating place to be. This journey has been one of incredible miracles and twists and turns. I have learned time and time again that I have no idea all that Heavenly Father has in store for us, because I would have resolved everything months ago. I would have never seen and experienced all that He has shown us either…

One of the most difficult things about sharing miracles is how much power they lose when I try to write them down. Words sometimes cannot do justice to what a heart feels and a soul sees. Time and time again, there have been little things that have helped to bear us up and give us strength to hold on. Most of the time it has been a song, something someone says, a robin that flies into my yard and so forth. It is always something that Heavenly Father knows will help me. He is good to me. (more…)

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