It is all about the journey….

Posts tagged ‘Savior’

Help Thou My Unbelief

There was a man who came to the Savior pleading for Him to heal his son. The one thing Jesus asked was if the man believed. The reply was that he did, however he didn’t feel like the belief he had was enough for the size of a miracle he was pleading for. He then asked the Savior to help his unbelief. Through his belief, humility and the great love the Savior had for him and his son, the requested healing took place and his son was made whole.

Today I have found myself in a similar situation.

Over the past 7 years we have been on a sanctifying journey, oneopenheavens that has repeatedly tested our mind, body and spirit. I have often wondered if there is something we did, a choice we made that made this journey necessary in our lives. I remember when our son was born, I had a lot of pride in my heart regarding different situations and people. The circumstances that preceded and followed his birth quickly stripped me of this pride and taught me that to truly rely on my Heavenly Father, I needed to have more humility. Those 3 years were some of the most challenging, yet beautiful at the same time.

Through the grace of Heavenly Father, I have come to know that this journey is not the result of anything I have done or left undone, it is simply a time for us to draw closer to Him, each other and our family.

Yet…

Today we need a miracle. Today I have knelt before my Savior pleading for this miracle.

And still I find myself feeling like my faith and belief are not enough for what we need. I find myself hoping that I am enough and that I have done enough. I too ask, “Lord help thou my unbelief.”

I don’t know what else to do, but pray, believe, and wait….

 

 

Just Because

Have you ever had a tender moment and as you wanted to share it the words were simply not as powerful as what you felt?

Just BecauseToday I experienced one of those moments…..but I will do my best to share.

As I listened to the Sacrament prayers today one line sank deep into my heart…

….that they may always have his Spirit to be with them…

Pondering this I thought about something else I had read earlier this week in the Book of Mormon….

And after they had slain the Messiah, who should come, and after he had been slain he should rise from the dead, and should make himself manifest, by the Holy Ghost, unto the Gentiles.

The part of that scripture that stood out to me was that it is through the power of the Holy Ghost that we will and do know our Savior. I honestly feel like the deeper knowledge we have of this power, the greater relationship we will have with the Savior.

I imagine in Heaven, before we came here, that we looked to Him for the leadership, love and strength we needed as we fought to keep the power to choose that Heavenly Father had given us, and that the enemy wanted to take. I am sure that war was one of words.

It seems to me that when the choices were made there was no gray line that separated us….it was a clear defining line between those who would keep their power to choose and those who surrendered it. Pressing forward to the Savior would mean that we would have to walk by them as they sneered, teased, yelled and did all they could to deter us. Tears would have been coursing down my cheeks, because these were my brothers and sisters….some I would have known at an intimate level.

Yet, press forward to Him I would…because the Holy Ghost would be there showing me the way, strengthening my resolve and comforting my broken, yet undeterred heart.

It is not unlike here, on earth….pressing forward to return to Him.

I have learned that there are times when I am taught a specific lesson, like this one to prepare me for a fight to come, a trial to pass through or counsel to give. Other times we are shown beautiful truths…just because.

Today it was just because….Just because I sought Him in my heart and wanted His spirit to always be with me.

Beyond My Reach

There are times in my life as a wife and mother… I do not have the answers. These times leave such an emptiness in my heart, because it is my nature to heal.

lookupOver the past week I have been asked some pretty difficult questions by each member of my sweet family. These questions have come after a lot of prodding, quietness, more prodding and more quietness. I get it, I am not so good at sharing my deepest thoughts either.

I think it is the pleading in their eyes that sinks into my soul. The pleading that says, “I can’t do this anymore…I don’t know the answers….I need you to answer.”

The emptiness that comes over my heart is so quiet and heavy when their questions are beyond my reach. My heart wants so badly to have the answers, say the magic words that are so often scripted for others, or have the ability to simply heal their hearts with my arms wrapped around them.

Yet, it is not meant to be…..

Today was particularly difficult, because one of my children was hurting at a deep level. It is something that has been lying under the surface for a couple of years, and today the wound opened just enough to expose the rawness of pain. I sat and prodded, waited and listened as the hurt came out. It was not anything silly or dumb…it was real. I simply did not know what to say…words seemed completely useless.

I began to pray in my heart….”Please give me the words. Please let me know what to say to help. Please.”

None came….again this was beyond my reach.

I did the only thing I could think of….I knelt in prayer with my child. I prayed for the words to speak so that this one would know that there is someone watching over them. As I spoke the words of my prayer, they really didn’t seem to flow as easily as I would have hoped, but they were not really mine. I felt the love of a Heavenly Father who knows that this child is deeply hurting. I felt the knowledge that He is watching over and has a greater plan than what we can see today. I felt like it would all be okay….even if not how I thought it could work out.

In that sweet moment, I learned (again) that when their hurts and questions are beyond my reach, I know where to look for help.

Thanks be to my Savior for giving me the gift of prayer, so I can communicate with my Father.

 

Creeping In

Creeping InTonight I sit on our deck. The sky is clear and there is a beautiful, cool breeze gently blowing. I am in awe of the majesty of the sky above, the stars that give off enough light to show they are there. Collectively they paint a picture of the vastness above, yet their tiny lights show me that even I am known.

Life has felt a little heavy lately and I can’t put my finger on the reason why. I struggle at times during the day to find the strength to make it through all that is needed…and more. There are moments I feel so unqualified to be the mother that my amazing children need….to give them the strength and courage to rise above the world that surrounds them. There are moments I feel like I am not the wife I need to be to the incredibly smart, talented and strong man I am blessed to be married to. There are moments when I feel like I should be more….

I understand that there is one who would have me feel less than, because that is how he would have me feel. He would have me believe that I am not good enough to do all that is required of me. These lies are never told all at once, they are insidious…quiet…and creep in a little at a time.

My heart breaks when his lies are whispered in the ears of those I love. I feel powerless, because I know that they can be so easy to believe. I often look at them in disbelief, because I know if they saw what I see and work so hard to show them, they would never give a second thought to those thoughts of less than.

So with that thought, I am to look at myself the way that my Heavenly Father and Savior see me. It takes a lot of work…daily…hourly…minutely…yet it is the only way to push back against those lies. I have to remember that He has confidence in my strengths, abilities and heart. He has confidence in me that I will turn to Them when things feel like they are too much. He has confidence that I will stand up when I don’t have anything left.

Whatever He inspires, He opens the way to overcome, accomplish and achieve.

I have seen the moments of strength He has given me to be the wife and mother I need to be. Sometimes they are like the stars…a tiny bit of light that shows me I am known to Him.

Receiving

Receiving30 days ago I had fear in my heart….fear and dread. It was not the best prelude to the season when we emulate the life and teachings of our Savior Jesus Christ. I remember pouring out my heart to my Heavenly Father, wondering how it would all happen for us.

I received a beautiful feeling of peace….that everything had been taken care of. I just needed to let it all unfold.

What unfolded was one of the greatest lessons I have ever learned. I have come to realize that Heavenly Father rarely blesses us without teaching us deep lessons in the process. For that I am truly grateful, because therein I see that He loves me enough to help me grow.

There is a famous quote that states, “It is better to give then receive.”

In a lot of ways I truly agree with this. My heart loves to give. It is something incredible when we are able to offer a portion of ourselves, our time, our means and our love to someone who truly needs it. On many occasions the opportunity to give has blessed my life with a much needed portion of joy.

Yet, what about receiving what has been offered? Does this make us less than when we are given something we truly need?

No.

I know now that receiving what is offered can bring the same amount of fulfillment, joy and peace as we would feel when we give. The key is allowing our hearts to be receptive to the gift that is offered.

In the beginning of this journey we have been on, I did not want to receive any help. I felt that I should be able to do it all, take care of everything and fix what I thought was broken. I wanted to be ‘self-sufficient’. When that didn’t happen, time and time again, my heart broke. I began to think that I had done something wrong, that I had made a mistake that rendered me unworthy of the blessings I sought for. I felt alone and abandoned, because I didn’t get what I wanted.

What truly was happening was Heavenly Father patiently teaching me that He is the one that gives me everything I have and everything I need. He is the one that brings the miracles right on time. He is the one that fixes the broken things. He is the one that delivers us from our storms. He gives us everything…and sometimes He uses those around us to deliver the gifts.

As I took a step back to see His hand in our lives, I saw all of the ways that we have been blessed to receive of His goodness through the kindness and generosity of those who love us, those who may not even know us and those who genuinely want to help us on our way. They have been family members who listened when the Spirit spoke to their hearts, they have been friends who felt a need to reach out, they have been strangers who understood the look in our eyes without even saying a word….they have been angels.

Receiving has been a miracle in my life. I have learned that my heart determines how the gift enters into my life. Through countless prayers and time spent studying His word, the Savior has blessed my heart to soften. There is no room for receiving when there is hardness surrounding our hearts.

I truly believe now that in order to give with the right heart, we need to be able to receive with that same heart. That is my Christmas miracle.

Toiling

The beginning of Luke Chapter 5, it tells of a night that Peter and his partners had fishing. They had spent the entire night toiling, working and possibly praying for their nets to fill…to no avail. When the morning came, their nets were empty. I imagine they were disheartened, wondering what they would tell their families. Toiling

On this particular morning Jesus Christ came to the shore where they were cleaning their nets. I am sure they were doing what needed to be done so that they could be done and move on. He asked Peter to take Him out from the shore, so he could teach those that were following Him that day. The sermon was not one that was recorded in Luke…the most important part of the story came after the Savior finished teaching the masses. He turned to this ‘one’ and told him to go out further so he could let down his nets one more time.

And Simon (Peter) answering said unto him, Master, we have toiled all the night, and have taken nothing: nevertheless at thy word I will let down the net. (vs 5)

The results were nothing short of a miracle. The nets were so full that the net broke and Peter had to call for his partners to come and help them. When they came, both ships were full, so full they began to sink.

After a night of seemingly empty toiling, Peter’s faith in the Master filled his ships.

This story struck my heart as I read it.

Toiling.

There are times in life when it feels like an endless night of empty toiling, when all of our efforts seem to produce nothing but an empty net. Prayers that are offered feel like they have gone unheard. Feelings we may have of where to search produce little, if nothing at all. We search for the sliver of dawn that will allow us to bring the ship to shore, so that we can at least find some sort of footing, ritual in cleaning our nets.

Yet, as in the case of Peter, this long night prepares us for when the Master comes.

If our nights are not so empty, watchful and difficult, our hearts will not be seeking Him. If we have given up and left our boats on the shore, nets unclean, we will not see Him come. If we have allowed our hearts to give up, we will not feel of His love.

The nights are long, but not meaningless.

There are miracles that can only come to pass with Him. There are miracles that we can only see when we have softened our hearts. There are miracles that need to follow the toiling. There are miracles that will save us.

DawnI pray that my toiling will be acceptable to Him….that I will be able to see Him. I miss Him sometimes and long for the time when He comes to the shore and turns His eyes and heart to me. I know He seeks after the ‘one’…I need to remember that I am a ‘one’ that He would seek after.

For now I need to continue taking care of my boat and nets…keeping them strong and clean. Toiling.

He will come…..I know He will.

Keep Fighting

Every now and then I hear something that sticks in my mind, as if to say, “you will need this soon”. A few days ago I was in the middle of one of my favorite and most challenging workouts (Insanity) and Shaun T said, “Keep Fighting!!!” His words were meant to inspire me to get through that particular set…which they did. They also took hold, waiting for the moment they would be needed.

crashing wavesThere are times in our lives when waves of self-doubt, insecurity, weakness and overwhelmed crash in on our souls. Without warning they strike and they come with such fury and power that it is difficult to stand…literally. It was as though the wind had been sucked out of my lungs and any strength I had in my body was taken. As I stood, doubled over, I thought to myself, “I know there are angels to help me stand. I know they are there. I need to keep fighting.” It was all I could do to lift myself up, but I fought through.

I crumbled into my husband’s arms. With the amazing wisdom he has, he gave me the time to compose myself and share. I felt so ashamed, because for a brief moment I almost gave in to these feelings that were meant to crush my heart. All I wanted to do was curl up in a corner and let life move on. It truly scared me. He didn’t say much, but what he did gave my soul the peace and strength it needed to go on. He said, “You are such a fighter, quitting is not in your nature.” and “I don’t have much to say, but the feelings I am getting are for you to hold on, just keep holding on.”

Not much changed in the way of life, however my heart did. It found the fight that was almost swept away. There is something in my heart that loves a good fight. I love the training I have received through karate to defend and fight. I love the challenge of a good workout that forces me to fight through the next set, because I know I am getting stronger (even if I am acutely aware of the weaknesses I am working on strengthening). I love the challenge that comes with figuring out how the Savior would have me live and what I need to do. I love the fight.

I see in life that Heavenly Father has given me moments when the fight is particularly intense, when every day seems like an exercise in faith, when every decision forces me to dig deep and find the belief that all will turn out. Then there are the little respites that my heart and soul need to rest for a little bit. Each day brings an exercise of strength, be it in the thick of battle or in rest.

The key is to keep fighting. Keep your hands up. Keep throwing those punches. Keep moving, dodging. Keep training. Look for those who are in your corner holding you up when your strength seems to fail. Look to the One who knows how strong you really are…and will help you see it too.

Keep fighting….

Tag Cloud